Coming out was not easy — now I’m a Pride leader at Elsevier

When I told my parents that I was gay — this was at the age of 19 — it was a tough experience. Although my mother seemed to take it well, a few days later she insisted that I see a doctor to clarify if it was something that could be cured. I was confused, but it was important for her. I agreed to see a psychologist even though I felt no uncertainty about my feelings and no urge to change myself. As such, the appointment was a complete failure. But the doctor did tell me that if I didn’t see any need for change, there was nothing he could do for me.

My father’s reaction was unexpected, too. He started crying — something I had never seen him do before. A few days later, he told me that he was OK with “the situation,” but he was not willing to “get to know my boyfriend.” I didn’t have one at that time, but it shocked me nevertheless. I thought, when I do find a boyfriend, this would be an important part of my life and I could not imagine hiding this from my parents.

I knew I was gay from a young age, and I hid this — or at least tried to — for a very long time. Back in elementary school and later in school, I remember being dearly attracted to a few of my male classmates which, at the time, I realized was not considered normal. When I came out to myself, I was about 11 or 12 years old. I was never bold enough to tell any of them that I fell in love with them or was attracted to them — a good decision in hindsight because as far as I know, none of them turned out to be gay. On the other hand, I wonder if things would have been different if I had accepted myself and said something earlier.

Somehow, I managed to tell one of my earliest friends I was gay when I was about 16. It was a good experience. He emphasized that he would always accept me as his friend. Despite his support and reassurance, I still was not able to share my truth with everyone.

It took several years, just before I went to university, before I came out to one of my previous classmates, who turned out to be gay too. Although not a couple, we became great friends and explored gay life together: strolling around in gay bars, watching gay movies and having vibrant discussions about them, as well as joining the first Stonewall parades, or Christopher Street Days (CSD) as we call them in Germany. Of course, the famous Cologne CSD was on our list, but also smaller cities like Nuremberg or Mannheim. This was such a joyful time and really helped shape my life. It gave me a lot of self-confidence, but I was given the greatest gift by meeting and falling in love with my future husband.

Opening up at work

So when I started working at Elsevier (1999), I already had quite some experience in being open and not hiding my partnership with a man. Nevertheless, it turned out to be quite a challenge to be open in the new environment. I felt like this new corporate environment was less open than university life, but I found my way, and apart from one exception, I had no negative experiences with colleagues when they found out I was gay.

At some point in time, we had a new Head of House in Frankfurt. He is an incredibly committed person, and he is gay, which I didn’t know at first. I only found out when I was travelling with my boyfriend (now husband) and we met the Head of House and his male partner on a flight back to Frankfurt. It was a great relief to finally understand that you can be both gay and successful!

A few years later, he asked me if I might start an Elsevier Pride chapter in Germany. I happily took this opportunity. In 2018, with two colleagues from Munich and Berlin, we started the German Pride chapter.

I’m one of the four leads now — something I never could have imagined when I started working at Elsevier. I am so thankful that our company is supporting inclusion and diversity in such a way, and I am so happy to be part of many initiatives organized by Pride chapters across the world. It also makes me aware that many people still encounter intolerance and hate just for being part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Through my work in the Pride chapter, I get a greater understanding of the situations in other countries, and I am proud to work for a company that is trying to support these colleagues through adversity.

Even in Germany, conditions for the LGBTQIA+ community only recently started to improve. In what was then West Germany, male homosexuality could be punished with years of prison. This institutionalized inequality and injustice were remnants of the Nazi regime. We made steps towards equality in 1969 and in 1973, but the law was only completely abolished in 1994. Same-sex marriage became legal in 2001, and my husband and I wed in 2002. Our wedding eased the situation between me and my parents. They had accepted my partner as a part of my life quite some years before — even my father — and our relationship with my parents got better and better. It obviously needed this political and social landmark. Let’s hope that the current backlash in LGBTQIA+ rights, which can be observed in many Western countries, is only temporary.

Should I have come out sooner?

Nowadays, I often wonder whether I should have been more open in my earlier life, especially to my schoolmates. It took time to overcome the effects of hiding a great part of my life due to lack of self-confidence, but I finally learned that people are often more open-minded than I expected. The endeavours and positive experiences of many in the LGBTQIA+ community are intended to inspire those who find themselves in the same circumstances I faced over 40 years ago!

So, when someone asks me, “How should I come out?” I say: “Be yourself, be courageous, trust your friends — and never give up!”